Pondering life

I find that there are some times in life when I feel like I'm in auto-pilot just strolling along and enjoying whatever is thrown my way. Then there are times when I find myself psycho-analyzing my life and wondering if I'm really happy where I am and what I'm doing. Should I chalk this up to turning twenty-eight in a few weeks? Or could it be that there is something that is fundamentally lacking and/or wrong? I keep telling myself that I'm happy where I am in life and that I have a lot going for me. I'm starting to doubt myself.

I am a very independent person and always have been. I think that it comes down to power and control and how I always feel the need to have it. This is something that I've been working on for a long time and continue to do so today. It can be challenging at times with my friends who can be indecisive and can't make up their minds (I always find myself stepping up and taking charge in these situations), though if I'm given the opportunity to allow someone else to make the decisions and have the control, I'm all for handing over my keys and riding shotgun.

Is it time that I finally try to settle down? I've always told myself that I'm too motivated and selfish to share my life with a special someone. I've predicted that I'll be thirty-nine, single, and enjoying life, and then I'll be forty, single, and miserable. While I'm not yet thirty-nine or forty, I'm slowly starting to get up there, and don't want to be the jaded, bitter single person that I see in others. I need to learn how I can slowly let down the barrier that I've built around myself (both physically, mentally, and emotionally). I have a feeling that once the barrier is down (or at least begins to fall), then everything else will fall into place. I need to quit hiding behind my weight and start taking care of myself.

There are a few other things that I need to discover about myself that, when combined with me letting down my guard, will (hopefully) allow me to live the life that I've been yearning. While I don't know what exactly it is I want, I'm hoping that I'll know it when I see it (or perhaps feel it?)